The Man Code

[jn.preciousroy]

I saw this on another message board, and it amused me greatly.  I didn't agree with all of them, namely 16 and 28, but then again, I'm not a real man.

THE MAN CODE :

1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call "********". (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ***-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:

"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ***, are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not.

[kami]

Haha, here's a good example of written un-written rules
I agree with most of it, I'd never get a cat for myself

[Shade]

Lol, I'd say most of those are part of a man's common sense. If not, he needs to read them. I dunno if I agree with 16 though. Attack cats can be pretty effective.

[Jeb]

I know that bondo has disagreed with a few of those rules before... (the cat one to name one)
There needs to be a few rules for cockblocking, and drunken shaming though

[tasty]

These are mostly humorous and true with the possible exceptions of numbers 3,7,19,26, and 28. I also disagree with the homophobic ones.

BTW the one about beer is so true, temperature matters SO much more than taste.

[jeb - lazy]

29. Never apply suntan lotion to another man's back

[The Ghost of Bondo]

Yeah, what is the big deal about cats.  My cat is cool and there is no way I'd rather have a big stupid dog.

Of course I think I'm exempted from many of the rules on account of my preference.  For example, I can compliment a guy on his ass and ask his sign. :p

[jn.loudnotes]

Hey - Chocolat was a good movie!  

Anyway, it'd be nice if more people observed

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

They're all funny though. Nice list mort.

[AK_Rap1d]

LoL!  Classic!  

Where'd you get this from?  The Man's Show website?  (Just Curious)

[jn.preciousroy]

My friend from across the hall showed it to me.  It was on some gaming forum much like this one, I think for Diablo II.

Numbers 9 and 24: truer words have never been spoken.  Even if the beer is the beast (Milwakee's Best for those of you lucky enough never to have drank it)

As for Jeb's suggested addition,  under no circumstance will I endorse it.  I have lathered blackhand with enough suntan lotion to know that. (No Joke--it's true)

Also, I propose that the sister rule doesn't apply to online guys, cause that means Wrath's sister is technically still fair game.

[Ace]

The sister rule still applies. Even moreso online because you don't know how big he might be. (Never forget that Jewb... never)

[Jeb]

i'll own you and your sister ace

[The Ghost of Bondo]

I'm glad my girlfriend doesn't have a brother if all brothers are like you, Ace, and intent to kick the ass of anyone dating them.  You've stated opinions of the sort a number of times.  I think that would make for a very resentful sister.

[Cossack]

I dont know, I have scared some scumbags away from my sister. Fucking bastards. I am taking it that Ace dosent know about my relationship with his mom.

[Mr. Lothario]

     More likely, his mom can kick his ass, so he doesn't dare say anything about your relationship.

[Ace]

I'm glad my girlfriend doesn't have a brother if all brothers are like you, Ace, and intent to kick the ass of anyone dating them.  You've stated opinions of the sort a number of times.  I think that would make for a very resentful sister.

Bondo, I was once a high school guy. I know what high school guys are like. Thus, I don't want my sister to date anyone in high school. I am a college guy. I know what college guys are like. Thus, when my sister gets to college, I don't want her to date college guys.

My sister isn't resentful. On many occassions she has asked me to help her when guys have been pricks. And trust me, after I... uhh... show them the error of their ways, they have an amazing tendency to leave her alone. She knows that if some guy treated her well I wouldn't kick the crap out of him as long he understood that I could and would break his neck if he ever was a prick.

Bondo, you would be a big brother's ideal boyfriend for his little sister. Not having to worry about the guy being interested in pussy would be great.

[The Ghost of Bondo]

Ok, well, that is a bit better, if you use scare tactics when they've done something wrong.  What I'd be conserned if you were acting that way to any and all.

I too know enough about how most high school and college guys think to know I think differently.  One person who was sort of my friend did some things with a couple of girlfriends during the time I knew him and I know he didn't love them.  That sickens me.  While I'm certainly not a hyper moralist saying sex should only be within a marriage, it certainly shouldn't be trivial.

But still I don't know if I'd want to protect my daughter (since at least there is the possibility of that unlike me having a sister) from dating a guy that she wants to date.  But then again parents do have a bit different responsibilities.  I figure my goal is to give her a foundation for making her own choices but try not to mess with the choices she makes.

[Cossack]

I guess Bondo would be okay. Atleast he is better than Moscow street trash.... errr fucking mafia fucks.

[|MP|Buccaneer]

But then again parents do have a bit different responsibilities.  I figure my goal is to give her a foundation for making her own choices but try not to mess with the choices she makes.

Believe me that, by whatever powers you believe in, I will meet everyone one of my daughters prospective suiters in the "trophy room" while cleaning a few firearms, spread out on the desk.  It may be a little too much theater, but better that so they don't miss the point.  You see, teenage boys will apply a shitload of pressure on a young lady to get her to go against her better judgement.  So there's nothing wrong with putting a little pressure on him.  And if it costs my little girl a date or two, that's ok, because at least she's not in a convent (unless I can get her mother to change her mind about that.)

Everyone here should take Dave Berry's guy test.  To find out if you are a guy, man or Bondo.  Especially read his "Complete guide to guys", and no Bondo, it's not like Cosmo, it wont help you pick up any.

[KotA Rancid]

lol guys, why are we afraid of ace? haven't you read dest's adventures? ace is a midget!